[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
You Might Also Like
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
#have a #great #PancakeDay
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.