“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
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“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is