Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Owl Sanctuary
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
my dad has had enough
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Straight people are cancelled
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!