I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
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My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.