Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
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Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.