”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
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Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.