Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
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The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My dog ate my work from home.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.