Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
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[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
You got this…
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
cats when you pet them too long:
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare