My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
You Might Also Like
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
i will avenge u mr van gogh
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.