Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.