Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
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Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!