Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
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imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I think we should hear other voices.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My daily affirmation
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”