Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
You Might Also Like
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Florida be like…
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
this post was so formative to me
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly