Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
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It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
When you’ve simply given up.