Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
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Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.