If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
i dont have time for this
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary