Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
You Might Also Like
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Peppa pig = spicy bacon