Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
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Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.