Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
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Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My circle of trust is a meatball
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”