This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
It’s actually Dr. whatever
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*