A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
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Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.