me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
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Children of the corn 🌽
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.