#SuperBowl
You Might Also Like
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?