I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
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I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.