[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Finally, a door that understands me
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”