I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
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Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Siri: Retweet me.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?