Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
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Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
At least he brought enough for everyone
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts