@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
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Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
me and who