Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
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Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.