Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.