My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
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I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish