KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
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I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something