White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
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I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Finally!
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me: