Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
concern
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?