To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
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Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring