I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
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Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I love the National Park Service.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE