*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
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My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted