That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
You Might Also Like
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
This is a bad sign
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
So we got a goldfish…
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.