Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
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My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.