Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
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Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?