Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
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I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp