*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
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[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!