I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
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Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.