I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
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*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Straight people are cancelled
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open