WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
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A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup