Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
satan: not today, microsoft teams
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
I’d … I’d rather not.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately