If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
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[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what