Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
584.