making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
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I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.