[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
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[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Sounds like a bargain
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.